The old questions still rages... The old foe still lives in the hearts of all. The grand question breaths in the darkness, until we are all dragged face first into the light. The blood which run in our vanies set alight as it kindels the fire of that burning question... What now?... Where too?... Whats next?... I have lived my life from moment to moment for so long that their is little interest in the future, (sighs)... But from time to time I am forced to consider what direction I am required to take... Lets take a quick look at where I am been, and where I am, hopefully it allows me to make some decision of what path I am to place my feet upon...

As for my past... I am been around a long time. I have watched the rise and fall of civilizations, the birth and death of stars, I even survived Highschool. I have loved and lost, and wonder if I am ever to love again. Beyond that, beyond the endless war, which ended, beyond the endless strugle to return, which suceeded, and beyond the endless years, which have passed... Where have I been, seeing things which no person has the right to see, which no eyes should see with out being struck blind from both the agony, the fear, shock, awe, and humility. That is my past... One endless struggle which oddly enough ended where it began, and with all the irony of life... began an entirely new struggle...

So where am I??? Well I am an educated person, with a job where I work my ass off for very little money, I am unwanted and unloved, I am alone and broken, I am tired and dissapointed. I have grown to hate human kind, grown to be enraged at their ignorance, there self centered attitude, there stupid obsessions... We live in an age of growing darkness... and man kind is so eager to believe it is merely a dimming of the light... So I feel hopeless, traped, and unappricated. I have been forsaken by firends, abandon by enenmies. Truely for the first time in a long time I stand nearly alone. There are some who stand with me, those who will always stand with me... Those I could not get rid of if I tried... I search high and low, for a reason to be...A reason...A reason... For as everthing fails, as everything goes away, I am forced to stay, I am bound by oath and honor to remain... Even TV isnt what it used to be... And along comes this feeling, that something sits on the horizon, something waits in the future, Somthing bides its time unmoving... I know not if it grows closer, I know not its purpose, or motives. I lack knowlege of its alliances and friendships. But it is there... I am to meet it one day... and its big.

So where am I going??? Who the fuck knows... There are so many choices to make... So many possible paths to walk... The question I am foced to ask, the question I am forced so often to ask... Is what I want? Where do I wish to be? Whom do I wish to be?... Until I can answer those questions... I am as trapped as I feel... Bound in chains of my own making... unable to travel due to not being sure of which destination I wish arrive at...

... Bartender... Pour me another, and let me nuse it awhile, cause if I drink to many, if I drink alot... Bartender i say bartender its up to you to make sure I dont rot, in the arms of a women whos to ugly for me, weather shes too good for me or not. Though its bad to base love on looks alone, its never a terriable thing wish for the moon which shown. She may not be a rocket scientist, nor have a heart of gold, but bartender good bartender, her body must be struck from that mold, the mold which god struck eve from. With her hair so long and brown, and her boosum fair and round. I would rather take a beauty home at nite, than wake up in the morning to a sudden scary site. So Bartended, grand bartender, be a kind and pretty lass. Do me a favor and let me take home your ass...

- An excerpt from a wreaf sailors poem....

Nuff said... nye?

Its kinda funny, yesterday I started a post. Yesterday was november 11th. A day which kinda lives in imfamy with me. Which is actully halarious considering that last century we signed one of the most important documents in the world, it would being peace to a world at war, change the face of the world in a way which will endure for awhile. What makes it funny is on a day of peace, 3 years ago i began a privte war which would destory lives, hopes, dreams...

Now three years later that war is in a state of cold shock, it actully ended awhile ago. She left 3 years ago yesterday, and on that day the person I was died, and the person I had been, came to be once more. Its odd feeling like your older self. It took a long time for me to get so i could get though the night without nightmeres and though the days while out nearly bending double from the pain.

I set aside 1 day a year to remember the good of it all, the sheer love and and bliss of what i felt. How I could do anything for her. The rest of the time I hate her, even now I dont know if i would fall to my knees if i saw her or knock her down to hers.

The person I am has changed however. Compared to who i was then, I am a titian. In both since of the word. Parctially a lost and displaced god, but aslo a powerful force to be reconed with. Its odd... to be still laid low by a pair of eyesa which i have not seen in years, but also rised up. I have been trying to get back into the game. Try and find some since of grounding and happiness within another. I find myself suspisious and mostly annoyed by people in genral. They are so shallow and stupid. I still have hope... Just so you know, if your still out there... I remember... One day we shall meet again, and we shall see... until then, who knows. That makes 3 years though.

Peace be on the winds  

Reasons... everything happends for them, and everything is made up of them. Cause and Effect, every cause is an effect while causeing an effect all its own. Reasons... Reasons for living and reasons for dieing. More songs, more stories, more poems, more lementss and more drunken lullabies are written in the history of all existance about reasons that any other insipration. I have stood in libaries where an entire section is devoted to reasons, and all the multitude types. From the tragic, to the profoundly not so. From love of another to a mere ly of power and ambition. Infact someone could make a case that all forms of expression incorproate reasons. I have met reaces which exist without purpose, they are static groups, which continue because they simply always have... as eternal as the sun and the stars wchich make up the suns of distant worlds. As human beings, we are not like those few races, we are tangental. We are the slope of an instantaious point on a much larger line. Human beings look for what makes them function and call it a purpose. Other peoples look for a higher power for a purpose, for a God, for a ruler, for a lover... for a goal. Human beings look at all these and choose between them. For each person they can have hundreds of reasons... it is something long ago i wouldn't have been used to. Self interest was a particular motivator of people I used to know. Either that or self sacrifice. Two dependant schools of thought. One based purely on serving ones self and the other based on never doing so.

I spent a good portion of my time on this earth looking for my purpose, making peace with myself in order to find out what I was required to have in order to function. I found that was very very little. At frist I thought i required companionship, with friends and allies. Then after a time i foresoke those ties for companionship of a differnt time... and when she betrayed me... when they all eventully did, one after the other, I found that Love in its many forms can often be considered a requirement of survival but it often is the oposite of what it seems. Love takes time off lives, it is a eternal comfort and a feeling of peace and bliss which few ever can explain or understan completely... but it is forever based in conflict and strife. Which is why it directly contridicts a search for peace. There are those who assert "Make Love, Not War." I would propose to those that statement is a contridition. For Love is often so equated with conflict and war in our history. Love is seen as a battle to be one. The most famously quoted saying on the pair "All is fair in Love and War", unequvically equates them. Wars are faught for Love; for Love of country, for Love of freedom, and yes even for the Love of a women... There was once a little city across a sea from Greece called Troy. Anybody remember whoes face launched a thousand ships. Some would assert that Love is made into a conflict by the nautre of the beings which view it, they put forh examples from human history which show we are merely violent creatures for whom conflict is breed in the bone. Kane slew Able, then for revenge Able later slew Kane... thats a story for another time. This fact is not an arguemtn aginst conflict, it is an excuse for it. I myself can easily use the excuse that i am a violent person capable of doing great physical harm to myself and others do to the fact that I am human and humans are inately violent.

Resons however are reasons, we use them for everything... I myself try to choose logical reasons for doing things. But so often I use ones like "Because I wanted to" and "Everyone told me I shouldn't, but no one tried to stop me" or a modified version of the last one (espically latly) "... and nobody could stop me." A friends of my called me arrogant once, in fact many people have called me arrogant of the last sevral years of my life. If fact of the matter is that one of my best reasons for doing somthing is helping others. I have bathed in blood for others and asked for nothing as much as a thank you in return. I will always assert that it is the duty of those who can help to help those who can not help themselves. I do not believe in graitude. That is somthing you give in return for a gift, favors and aid are always expected to be repaid. For if I fall by the wayside as you or other have done I would hope, but never expect aid in return for the aid I myself have given...

Funny how it is those whom I have given aid to before, whom have called me arrogant, when a request for aid is requested from them... they call its presumtious... oh if i had merely left them to rot, but would i be as able to help myself if I had not aided them to begin with. of course War and aid go hand in hand... odd how i tied that togather is it.

... oh and PS... there is a fine line between arrogance and confidence I admit, but the way to tell the differnce is a man who is arrogant often automaticlly presumes others already should know what he does. While someone who is confident of there knowlege often believes he will need to teach what he knows... or hide it altogather.

Peace be on the winds